Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Learning Something Painful About Myself

I don't know how to start this post other than to say I think I have finally hit rock bottom mentally and physically. I don't like myself, the way I physically feel, the way I look from all the extra weight I carry and how withdrawn I am becoming. I guess maybe it's the sugar and caffeine withdrawals. HA!

My house is always just on the brink of being organized and "perfectly" cleaned. I just almost make it to the end of the week without "cheating".

Deep down I know I am a good person but I haven't felt like it for a few years. A few years ago my sister-in-law kindly gave me a book called Potatoes Not Prozac. A different kind of diet book. I joined the site and that didn't last long.(you work up to no sugar in your diet...very good idea that I just didn't master it) Than for my birthday a few months later she gave me the book "Codependent No More. How to stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself" by Melody Beattie. OK, I thought, hold it together, she's not trying to hurt your feelings she's trying to help you. But, my feelings were hurt. I read the book filled with anger. Then for my next birthday she sent me a book "52 Weeks of Esteemable Acts A Guide to Right Living". OK, now I am feeling like a piece of crap. I think to myself does everyone feel this way about me? I know my family is totally screwed up but is this my legacy? Am I not "living right"? Am I "controlling others"? Am I hopped up on sugar? OK that one is a yes! HA! At least my sister-in-law had the courage to send it to me and I'm thankful to her for doing it. It has made me look at myself and my actions. I'm re-reading them now without the hurt and anger. :0)

I am always putting EVERYONE before myself. I have never intentionally meant to hurt a friend or family member(although I have from time to time). And in trying to be the perfect wife, homemaker, friend, sister, daughter, Aunt and volunteer and all I have become is FAT AND UNHAPPY!!! According to the codependent book I need to save everyone to have self worth. Ok, thats bad. Than the other book says you need to be helping people every week to live right! I just want to be a kind and healthy person.

Needless to say, I don't want to be around family or friends when I'm like this. I feel like I always have to be happy. I am so mentally exhausted that I don't feel like doing anything. I care for my husband (who is paralyzed) and when I do leave for a craft class or a girls night (we make rubber stamped greeting cards) all I can do is worry and feel guilty.

OK, not everything in my life is working right now. Some things are though. My husband is wonderful, grateful and very loving. He makes me feel loved and special when no one else does. I have the tools to keep losing weight and I have a weight loss buddy. And even if I do have a lot of flaws(I admit it!) I am a kind and smart woman!

My plan of action is to lose the weight and take care of myself. If I do that I will be able to take care of what really matters. And what really matters to me is my husband, pets and home first! It's time for me to row my own boat and let others row theirs. :0) I love my family and friends so much but it's up to me to take care of myself now before it's too late to enjoy those relationships.

That felt good getting it off my chest.

Till my next post...

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