Friday, March 16, 2012


I have been in such a funk of late. And even though I don't feel like doing anything. I still exercised today with my husband. I walked on my treadmill(1 mile in 35 minutes). I also lifted weights, did leg lifts and jumped on my mini trampoline.

Now here's the thing. I know exercise is suppose to make you feel better. A natural pick me up but I just feel tired. I haven't been exercising so I will have to get use to it again. I think I'm so sad and stressed that it's going to take more than just one day of exercising to make me feel better. But I will continue on. I will do my best!

What I do feel is accomplishment! I didn't want to, I could have made excuses but I did it anyway. For that I thank my husband and Debb for her encouragement over this stressful time.

I go to a support group this coming Tuesday for caregivers. I think it will be a step in the right direction. It sure makes you grateful for what you do have! :0)

Well, I need to go to bed. I have my family visiting tomorrow. My house is not cleaned up enough but I just can't do anymore tonight! It will have to wait til morning.

Take care and I hope you are having an enjoyable weekend.

Till my next post...

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Can't Sleep....Making My Own Misery!

One of the most profound statements and elderly friend shared with me is that the one thing in life he learned after 80 plus years of living was "Most people make their own Misery!".

He went on to say they complain about their lot in life and don't have money but you see them spend on the things that tear their families apart like booze, drugs and gambling or are they charging more than they can pay for clothes and other material things that they really don't need. So when they don't have the money to pay for their bills who is to blame? He said "People need to take responsibility for their actions good or bad. People have the power to have a happy or miserable life but it's up to them and no one else."

I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I guess that goes for how we take care of our physical bodies too. Or more to the point how I have taken care of mine! In my case "food and soda" are the drugs that are ruining my body but most importantly ruining my mental well being. I AM MAKING MY OWN MISERY!!!

I haven't posted in 6 months and that's because I've gone back to all my old bad habits. At first the excuse was it's the holidays. Now I just use it for an escape and lately from people who have hurt my feelings so bad even though to them they were just joking. How I hate sarcasm. To me it isn't humor at all. The man that was so rude thought he was being funny he even said to me, "asking if he was kidding showed how stupid I was"! Now I know in life their are people like him. So why do I take everything so personally. I am NOT stupid. He was just rude.

I grew up being taught that you are to always obey the "golden rule". Treat others the way you wish to be treated. We were told to help the elderly neighbor to mow her lawn, shovel her walk and do any odd chores she needed done. I loved helping her and other neighbors.(and we never took any money for doing it!) I still love helping and volunteering here and there. It makes me feel good about myself and I feel it's the right thing to do.

But in doing so I was never taught balance. I'm beginning to realize the following: I have always thought of myself as a people person. I love doing things with my friends and family. But I am starting to rethink that I'm not just a people person but a people pleaser. I will do anything anyone asked me. NO is not in my vocabulary, even though it will cause me great exhaustion and sadness I still put their needs first. If someone makes fun of me or is cruel I just take it. I try to never make waves. I put others before myself in everything I do.

I don't think I even know myself anymore! But I do know that inside, I am a good person who would never say anything to anyone to hurt their feelings. I care about my family and friends deeply. And most of all I can find the good in anyone!!! Even the people who make me the butt of their jokes or say hurtful things to my face.

I guess the bottom line for me is that until I start taking care of myself and get a thicker skin, I'm doomed to my own misery!

So where do I begin? I fell like a little row boat just being battered against the huge waves of the sea.

I've had a couple of really bad days. But yesterday really hit me hard. I felt like I was sinking! I took sleeping aids and then slept till noon today. Do I feel any better? NO NO NO! I drank 4 sodas, a Twinkie, 2 cupcakes and a meal loaded with fat and grease! Did I have these things in the house? No! I went and bought them. Did it make me feel better eating them? Only for the moment. Now I feel ashamed of myself. I feel less than nothing. Most of all I feel like a hypocrite!!!! My last post was how I wasn't drinking soda anymore!

I don't really know how to end this post. I think I needed to just write what I was feeling right now, in the moment. I guess like Scarlet O'Hara said..."Tomorrow is another day"! :0) I will re-read this tomorrow. May even delete it. Probably shouldn't!

I have a lot to really think about. I think one thing is crystal clear. I need professional help to get some issues resolved. Brian Tracy said "The kindest thing you can do for the people you care about is to become a happy, joyous person." And that is what I want to be! Happy and Joyous!

Take care everyone. Please keep me in your thoughts as I continue on my journey(slow though it may seem) to a happy and healthy life.

Till my next post...